parenting
Safe Language to Use With Children
Simple scripts that avoid panic and support safe decision-making for children.
parenting safetycommunication
PARENTING
Safe Language to Use With Children
Overview
This page offers example phrases and short scripts caregivers can use when there is tension, conflict, or harm in the home. The focus is on:
- Neutral, simple wording
- Short, repeatable messages
- Safety-focused explanations without extra detail
- Options for different ages and situations
These examples are options to adapt. Caregivers can change words to fit their child’s age, language, and culture.
General Principles for Talking With Children
- Use short sentences and common words.
- Speak calmly and steadily when possible.
- Focus on what will happen next (“What we are doing now”).
- Avoid blaming language or name-calling.
- Avoid making promises you are not sure you can keep.
- Repeat key safety messages in the same words each time.
- Give information in small pieces instead of long explanations.
Neutral Phrases You Can Reuse
- “My job is to help keep you safe.”
- “What is happening is not your fault.”
- “Grown-ups are having a problem. You are not the problem.”
- “We can talk more when things are calmer.”
- “You did the right thing by telling me.”
- “You are allowed to feel how you feel.”
- “We are going to focus on what we can do right now.”
Emergency Scripts: When Things Are Escalating
These scripts are for moments when there is shouting, aggression, or you are trying to move a child to a safer space. Use short, repeatable lines.
1. Quickly Moving a Child to a Safer Room
- “We are going to the bedroom now to be safe.”
- “Come with me. We are going to the quiet room.”
- “We are taking a break from the arguing.”
2. If You Need the Child to Follow a Simple Safety Step
For example: going to a neighbor’s house, staying in a specific room, or using a phone you prepared.
- “Remember our safety plan. Please go to [neighbor’s name/room] and stay there until I come get you or [trusted adult] does.”
- “If you feel scared, you can go to [place] and stay there. I will come when it is safe.”
- “If you cannot find me, call [trusted adult] using this phone and say, ‘I need to talk to you.’”
3. When a Child Is Witnessing Conflict
- “There is a grown-up problem happening. It is not about you.”
- “It is okay to feel upset. Your job is to keep yourself safe.”
- “You did not cause this. You cannot fix it. My job is to handle it.”
4. After a Scary Incident
- “What happened was not your fault.”
- “No one is allowed to hurt you. No one is allowed to scare you on purpose.”
- “Some adults make unsafe choices. It is an adult problem.”
- “I am thinking about ways to make things safer for us.”
If you work with outside services or professionals, you can let children know in simple terms, such as: “There are helpers whose job is to think about children’s safety and feelings.”
Everyday Routines: Scripts for Daily Life
These phrases can help explain changes, set expectations, and respond to questions during regular routines like school, meals, or bedtime.
1. Explaining Changed Schedules or Living Arrangements
- “Our schedule is changing. For now, we will be staying at [location].”
- “You might notice we are visiting [friend/family] more. This is a plan to help us have more calm time.”
- “You will see [other caregiver] on [days/times]. If that changes, I will tell you.”
2. Talking About Arguments Between Adults
- “You may hear arguing sometimes. Adults are having a problem. It is not because of you.”
- “It is not your job to stop adults from arguing.”
- “If you hear loud voices, you can go to [safe room] or use your headphones/read/draw.”
3. Before School or Activities
- “Today your job is to go to school, learn, and see your friends. My job is to deal with adult problems.”
- “If you feel worried at school, you can tell [teacher/counselor] you are having a hard day.”
- “You do not have to explain everything to anyone. You can just say, ‘Things are stressful at home right now.’”
4. Bedtime Check-Ins
- “Is there anything you are wondering about today?”
- “Some things are adult decisions, and I am still figuring them out. If I can answer, I will tell you.”
- “You might have questions later. You can ask me another time if you want.”
5. When a Child Asks Direct Questions
Examples of neutral responses:
- “That is an important question. I need to think about how to answer it in a way that is right for your age.”
- “I cannot share all the details, but I can tell you this: none of this is your fault.”
- “Some of this is private between adults. What matters for you is that you are allowed to be safe and cared for.”
Neutral Phrasing Around Safety and Boundaries
These phrases focus on rules and safety without blaming one person in front of the child.
1. Setting Boundaries Without Blaming
- “In this house, it is not okay to yell at or scare people on purpose.”
- “No one is allowed to hit, push, or throw things at you.”
- “Everyone’s body and space must be respected.”
- “When people are angry, they still have to follow the rules about safety.”
2. Dealing With a Child’s Self-Blame
- “Adults are responsible for their own actions.”
- “Nothing you did made anyone choose to act that way.”
- “Even if you made a mistake, adults must handle their feelings safely.”
3. Encouraging Safe Sharing
- “You can always tell me if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.”
- “If something happens and you are not sure if it is okay, you can tell a grown-up you trust.”
- “If I am not available, you can talk to [named safe adult].”
When Not to Share Details
In many situations, limiting details protects children from stress, loyalty conflicts, or unsafe reactions from others.
1. Topics to Avoid or Limit With Children
- Graphic descriptions of harm or threats.
- Specific details about court cases, police reports, or legal strategies.
- Private information that could be repeated to the person causing harm and create more risk.
- Adult relationship history that does not affect the child’s basic safety or care.
- Information that asks the child to “take sides” between adults.
2. Example Phrases for Not Sharing Details
- “There are some things I am not going to talk about right now because they are adult problems.”
- “I know you have questions. It is my job to handle the adult parts. Your job is to be a kid.”
- “I am working with other adults to figure this out. You do not have to fix it.”
- “It is okay to want more information. I am choosing not to share more because I want to protect you from stress.”
3. When Talking Might Increase Risk
Consider limiting details when:
- The child regularly shares information with the person who is causing harm.
- You are in shared spaces where conversations might be overheard.
- You are unsure how the information might be used in court or by other adults.
- The child appears very distressed or overwhelmed by what they already know.
If you are planning safety steps, it can help to talk first with a trusted professional or advocate about which information is safer to keep private and which helps your child feel oriented and secure.
Adjusting Scripts by Age
These are general guidelines. Children vary widely, so adjust based on what the child understands and how they respond.
1. Younger Children (Approx. Ages 3–7)
- Use very short sentences: 5–8 words.
- Focus on immediate actions: “We are going to Grandma’s now.”
- Avoid explanations about why adults behave in harmful ways.
- Repeat simple reassurance: “You are not in trouble. This is not your fault.”
2. School-Age Children (Approx. Ages 7–12)
- Offer brief, factual explanations without blaming: “Some adults do not know how to handle anger safely.”
- Give clear safety rules: “If you feel scared, you can go to [place] or call [adult].”
- Allow questions, but keep boundaries around legal or adult decisions.
- Normalize mixed feelings without pushing them to pick sides.
3. Teens (Approx. Ages 13+)
- Use more collaborative language: “Here is what I know and what I am still deciding.”
- Explain safety concerns plainly: “I am not sharing some details because I do not want you pulled into adult conflicts.”
- Invite their views without shifting adult responsibilities onto them.
- Discuss privacy and social media use in calm, clear terms.
Practicing and Personalizing Scripts
Some options for preparing ahead:
- Choose 2–3 key sentences to repeat in emergencies.
- Write them down on a card or phone note to help you remember the wording.
- Practice saying them in a calm tone when you are alone.
- Teach children a simple code word or phrase that means “go to the safe place now.”
Additional tools and examples of safety planning with children can be found through resources listed at DV.Support.