If Someone Controls Your Finances
Action-based steps to quietly secure financial access.
If Someone Controls Your Finances
Quick Overview
This page outlines quiet options for tracking money, creating small cushions, and reducing risk when someone else closely monitors or controls your finances.
Local financial counselors, legal aid, and domestic abuse advocates may offer free and low-cost help. Some directories of those services are listed at https://www.dv.support.
Quiet Money Access
These options can sometimes be used without drawing attention, depending on how closely the other person checks devices, mail, and accounts.
Things to Check First
- Whether your phone, email, and devices are shared or regularly checked by the other person
- Whether they know or can reset your passwords
- Whether they see your bank statements, text alerts, and emails
- Whether they control your ID documents, bank cards, or online logins
Options for Getting or Receiving Money Quietly
- Use cash-back at stores for small amounts, if it does not change receipts in a noticeable way
- Direct small refunds or rebates (for returns, utilities, services) to an account they do not know about, if possible
- Consider prepaid cards purchased with cash, if that will not be noticed in bank or card statements
- Ask a trusted person if they are willing to:
- Receive money on your behalf temporarily
- Hold small amounts of cash for you
- Keep copies of key financial documents
- Check if a workplace can:
- Split direct deposit between two accounts
- Issue paper checks instead of direct deposit
If any of these options could increase risk if discovered, consider skipping them or using very small, less noticeable amounts.
Banking Alerts
Banking alerts can help you track money movements, but they can also expose your activity if the other person sees your messages or email.
What to Review Before Turning Alerts On
- Who can see:
- Text messages on your phone
- Email accounts on shared devices
- Banking app notifications on phones or tablets
- Whether your bank sends paper notices when alerts are changed
- Whether the other person has their own login to the same account
Examples of Alerts That May Be Helpful
- Balance alerts when the account drops below a certain amount
- Alerts for:
- ATM withdrawals
- New transfers
- Large purchases
- Alerts when:
- Contact details are changed (email, phone number, mailing address)
- New devices log in or new payees are added
Safer Ways to Receive Alerts (If Possible)
- Use an email account only you can safely access
- Turn off on-screen preview of texts and notifications on your phone
- Use app-only notifications instead of SMS, if that is less visible on your device
- Log out of banking apps after each use
Changes to alerts can sometimes be seen within the account history. If your banking is heavily monitored, consider whether adjusting alerts will create questions.
Shared Account Safety
Shared accounts can be used to track spending, limit your access, or build debt in your name. You may also rely on them for everyday needs. The options below focus on information and documentation, not closing accounts or making legal changes.
Map Out All Shared Accounts
- List each shared or jointly used account:
- Bank accounts and credit cards
- Loans, car financing, and store cards
- Utilities, phone plans, and subscriptions
- Note for each:
- Names on the account
- Who has logins, cards, or PINs
- Where statements are sent (mail and email)
Quiet Documentation Options
- When safe, gather copies or photos of:
- Recent bank and credit statements
- Loan agreements or account opening documents
- Pay stubs and benefit letters
- Store copies:
- With a trusted person
- In a secure cloud folder with a password they do not know
- On a separate USB drive kept somewhere safe outside the home, if possible
Using Shared Accounts With Less Risk
- Keep necessary, predictable transactions (rent, utilities, groceries) as stable as possible if sudden changes would draw attention
- Avoid leaving written notes about passwords or PINs where they can be found
- Consider whether changing logins, PINs, or contact details could lead to confrontation
- Track any debts opened in your name, even if you did not agree, for future reference with financial counselors or legal aid
Closing or removing your name from shared accounts can have legal and financial effects. Local legal aid or financial counseling services can explain options for your area.
Emergency Micro-Savings
Emergency micro-savings focuses on very small, gradual amounts that may be less likely to be noticed. Safety considerations come first; if any of these steps would raise concern from the other person, it may be safer not to use them.
Planning Micro-Savings
- Decide what “small” looks like in your situation:
- Rounding down or setting aside coins
- Small cash amounts from change
- Occasional minor refunds or credits
- Choose where to store micro-savings:
- With someone you trust
- In a separate container that blends in with everyday items
- In a low-visibility account, if that will not be detected
Potential Sources for Micro-Savings
- Loose change from cash purchases
- Small amounts of cash-back on purchases, when this does not change statements noticeably
- Tips or occasional side income, if not tightly monitored
- Partial refunds, store credits, or gift cards that can later be converted to essentials
Tracking Micro-Savings Safely
- Use a simple, coded note (not labeled as “savings” or “escape fund”) if written tracking is needed
- Consider mental tracking (for example, remembering “X amount with Y person”) if any written record is risky
- Review occasionally:
- How much is set aside
- Where it is located
- Whether its location still feels low-risk
Even very small amounts can be useful for transportation, communication, or basic needs, depending on your situation.
Device and Privacy Considerations
Financial steps can leave digital and physical traces. Reviewing how your information is stored and accessed can reduce the chance of unwanted discovery.
Digital Traces to Review
- Browser history and saved passwords for:
- Bank websites
- Email accounts
- Financial tools or calculators
- Banking app logins and automatic sign-in on shared devices
- Email and cloud storage access on shared computers or phones
Physical Traces to Review
- Printed bank and credit statements
- Receipts that show cash-back or unusual purchase patterns
- Mail from banks, lenders, or benefit offices
- Notebooks, planners, or papers where you track money
Options for Lower-Visibility Actions
- Access financial sites only from devices that are not monitored, if available (for example, a trusted person’s device or a library computer where allowed)
- Use private or incognito browsing if it is safe to do so and will not appear unusual
- Choose paperless statements only if you have an email account the other person cannot access
Preparing for Future Conversations or Help
If you later speak with an advocate, financial counselor, or legal aid, simple notes can help you explain the situation clearly.
Information That Can Be Useful to Collect
- List of all known accounts, cards, and loans, including:
- Bank name or company
- Whose name is on the account
- Approximate balances or amounts owed
- Examples of:
- Times you were blocked from using money
- Accounts or debt opened without your agreement
- Any financial documents you safely have or can access
It is optional to gather this information. If making lists or copies increases your risk, you can instead rely on memory when you speak with a helper in the future.