Safety Planning in Queer Relationships

A practical, inclusive guide for queer-specific relationship safety considerations.

Safety Planning in Queer Relationships

1. Mapping Shared Networks

Shared networks can include friends, social groups, community organizations, workplaces, and online spaces where both partners are known.

• List shared connections:
  • Mutual friends and roommates
  • Shared group chats and online communities
  • Workplaces, volunteer spaces, and community orgs
  • Religious, cultural, or identity-based groups
• Note who tends to:
  • Take sides in conflicts
  • Pass information between people
  • Share screenshots or private details
  • Connect with your partner more than with you
• Identify lower-risk contacts:
  • People who respect boundaries
  • Those not closely tied to your partner
  • Contacts outside your main social scene
• Decide what to share where:
  • Information you are comfortable sharing in group spaces
  • Details you prefer to keep to one or two trusted people
  • Topics you want to avoid in shared circles

2. Managing Community Overlap

Community overlap can make boundaries more complicated, especially in smaller or identity-specific spaces.

• Map your community overlap:
  • Bars, events, and venues you both attend
  • Support or peer groups you both use
  • Activist, professional, or hobby communities
  • Shared housing co-ops or communal spaces
• Consider rotation and spacing:
  • Alternate which events you attend in person
  • Choose different meeting times or locations when possible
  • Use online or hybrid options instead of in-person for a period
• Plan how to handle chance encounters:
  • Where you could move to within a venue to create space
  • Signals or phrases to alert a trusted friend you need support
  • When you might leave early if the situation feels tense or monitored
• Think about group disclosures:
  • Whether you want group organizers to know about any restrictions (for example, no shared workshops)
  • What you do and do not want them to share with your partner
  • Any name or pronoun updates you want respected separately from your partner’s knowledge
• Review housing and living situations:
  • Shared leases or sublets that tie you together
  • Household members who may pass along information
  • Options for temporary or partial stays elsewhere

3. Technology Risks in Queer Contexts

Technology can affect both physical safety and privacy around identity, especially where being outed, misgendered, or exposed online could cause harm.

3.1 Devices and Accounts

• Check device access:
  • Who knows your phone, tablet, or computer passcodes
  • Devices that stay logged into shared accounts
  • Biometric unlocks (face, fingerprint) on shared or accessible devices
• Review shared accounts:
  • Streaming services, cloud storage, and email
  • Shared app store or backup accounts
  • Shared calendars, notes, and password managers
• Consider quiet adjustments:
  • Changing passwords from a device your partner does not access
  • Removing automatic login on shared or old devices
  • Adjusting recovery emails or phone numbers where safe

3.2 Location and Monitoring

• Review location sharing:
  • Phone-based location sharing (Find My, Google location, etc.)
  • Location shared through social apps (check-ins, stories, tags)
  • Shared ride or delivery apps that show frequent addresses
• Check for monitoring signs:
  • Apps you do not recognize, especially with access to location, camera, or SMS
  • Settings that show “Device administrators” or “Profiles” you did not install
  • Unusual battery, data, or storage usage
• Plan safer changes:
  • Turn off live location sharing where it feels safe to do so
  • Delay posting photos or updates that show where you are
  • Use generic locations (city only) instead of specific venues

3.3 Identity, Outing, and Social Platforms

• Review privacy settings:
  • Who can see your friends list or follows
  • Who can see past posts and tagged photos
  • Whether your real name, pronouns, or gender markers are public
• Consider separate spaces:
  • Accounts with different privacy levels (for example, one for close friends, one more public)
  • Messaging apps with disappearing messages or limited archives
  • Using neutral profile images or usernames in higher-risk spaces
• Plan for outing risks:
  • Who knows what about your gender, orientation, or relationship history
  • How harmful it would be if certain people saw specific content
  • Any screenshots, photos, or messages your partner could share

4. Planning Safe Exits

Safe exits can be about leaving a room, an event, a conversation, or a relationship. Planning ahead can reduce risk and confusion in the moment.

4.1 Exiting Conversations or Conflicts

• Create short exit phrases you can use:
  • “I need to step outside for a minute.”
  • “I am going to take a break and talk later.”
  • “I am ending this conversation for now.”
• Identify physical exit options:
  • Rooms with more than one door
  • Public areas or common spaces nearby
  • Neighbors or coworkers you could stand near or talk to
• Arrange support where possible:
  • Friends who can call or text if you send a pre-agreed word or emoji
  • Housemates who know a signal means you want them to enter the room
  • Colleagues who can interrupt a meeting if requested beforehand

4.2 Leaving Shared Spaces

• List potential exit locations:
  • Trusted friends’ or relatives’ homes
  • Community housing resources or group members with guest rooms
  • Short-term stays (for example, a room rental or hotel) if available
• Gather items that are important to have ready:
  • ID documents or copies
  • Bank cards, cash, or payment options in your own name if possible
  • Medications, prescriptions, and essential medical information
  • Keys, transit cards, and chargers
• Plan transport options:
  • Routes you can walk or use public transit for
  • Contacts who could pick you up
  • Rideshare or taxi options and how to pay discreetly
• Consider timing:
  • Times your partner is usually out or occupied
  • Events or routines that might give you a predictable window
  • What you might say if your absence is questioned

4.3 Community and Reputation Concerns

• Plan for what to say publicly:
  • Neutral explanations for leaving a home, group, or relationship
  • Short statements you can repeat without going into details
  • What you prefer not to discuss publicly
• Decide who can know more:
  • One or two people who can hold fuller information
  • People who can intervene if your partner uses community spaces to pressure you
  • Organizers or leaders who can enforce event boundaries if needed
• Review financial and legal ties:
  • Joint accounts, bills, or memberships
  • Leases, registrations, or shared contracts
  • Steps you might take later to separate these, possibly with professional advice

5. Personalizing Your Plan

Queer relationships can involve specific risks related to identity, community visibility, and shared spaces. Customizing your plan to your own situation can make it more usable.

• Write down:
  • Three people who feel reasonably safe to contact if needed
  • Two places you could go on short notice
  • One or two online spaces that feel lower risk to use for communication
• Keep a brief list (on paper or in a secure digital note) of:
  • Key phone numbers you might need if you lose access to your device
  • Medications and important health details
  • Any aliases, chosen names, or IDs that might come up in services or records
• Review and update your plan:
  • When your living situation changes
  • When your relationship status shifts
  • After any event where you felt monitored, pressured, or unsafe

Recommended Articles

• General Safety Planning Checklist
• Technology Safety and Monitoring
• Planning Safe Exits from Shared Spaces
• Protecting Privacy and Digital Footprints
• Building Safer Support Networks